


i tried to live without you

by thisissirius



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-04
Updated: 2010-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-13 01:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wonders if this is how Craig felt when he was out getting drunk, hating everything and not coming home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i tried to live without you

John Paul feels off.

He's not sure why because he's been feeling shit for months now, ever since Niall and Kieron and Tina ( _God, Tina_ ) but he can't think about that right now. He just knows it's a different kind of off and it's in the place he reserves especially for Craig; the part of him that can tell Craig's moods just from a twitch in the face, the part of him that knows when Craig is lying or angry or in danger-

 _No, that's impossible_

John Paul stares out of the window at the path below as if Craig will just magically appear. He thinks he's worn out the floor, even if he has no right to complain, not really. He wonders if this is how Craig felt when he was out getting drunk, hating everything and not coming home. It's hard. He digs his fingernails into the windowsill and closes his eyes.

He wishes it were easier to turn away and sleep and _wait_.

 

& & &

 

He's on the edges of sleep when Craig comes home, curled up on the sofa under the window and the empty mug in his fingers about to drop to the floor.

The door opens and suddenly Craig is there, real and visible and _hurt_ and John Paul's up and moving even before he's thought about it. The bandage on Craig's face is too bright in the dark room and he can hear his heartbeat thud in his ear.

Neither of them says anything; John Paul can't make himself ask and Craig looks exhausted, all tired lines and dark eyes. John Paul just wants to touch him, aware of their separation and he knows he's not just thinking about Scotland; he knows things haven't been right since Niall took him from this very room.

Thinking of Niall is like a dull ache under his skin, itching and irritating but necessary.

He touches Craig's face, fingertips light against bruised skin and John Paul wants to shake the story from him, to grasp it with both hands until he knows who did this, who touched Craig and hurt him, tried to take him from John Paul.

He wants to hurt them back, _destroy_ them and that thought shocks him more than anything. He blinks, fingers shaking against Craig's throat and his face feels wet. Craig is holding him, he realises, and leans forward, presses their foreheads together.

It's been a long time and it's hard to connect now, hard to figure out where they stand with each other. John Paul used to fit so easily into Craig's arms, so easy to kiss like they'd been doing it every day of their lives, so easy to _live_.

Now there's a distance between them and its name is Niall ( _and Kieron and Tina_ ).

"It was him," John Paul says eventually and he doesn't need Craig to affirm.

When Craig doesn't answer, John Paul takes another step forward until their bodies are touching completely and he can feel the _thump thump_ of Craig's heartbeat against his chest. Craig's breath ghosts across his cheek and John Paul closes his eyes.

"He's dead," Craig says, slowly and carefully.

Craig's never been careful, not about things with John Paul and it's just as frightening as realising he could have lost Craig for good.

"Tell me," John Paul says, tight and Craig shakes his head. "Tell me."

A beat and then Craig's talking, voice low and emotionless. He tells John Paul about Steph and Tom and Niall and the cliff and being tied up and _you took my brother from me_. He tells him about wanting space in Scotland and figuring out where they stood. He talks until he can't talk anymore and John Paul hates himself just a little bit for letting things get this far. He wishes he could have handled things better, he wishes Tina had never died, he'd never dragged Kieron ( _oh, Kieron_ ) into this mess but most of all he wishes he could bring Niall back to life.

He wishes he could tie _him_ to a chair, drag a knife across his throat.

"No," Craig says and it takes John Paul a minute to realise he's looking John Paul in the eye. "You're not him, John Paul."

It doesn't matter, does it? They're brothers ( _fuck_ ) and it hurts and Niall could have killed Craig. Niall's fucked up so much of John Paul's life and it's so out of his control that he doesn't know what to do.

Craig digs his fingers into John Paul's arm and it hurts but he's grateful because it's grounding. He can breathe again, gulps of air against Craig's neck and he hadn't even realised he'd been panicking.

"We'll fix," Craig says and John Paul believes him.

"Sorry."

"John Paul-"

"I'm sorry," he says, pulling back and looking Craig in the eye. He wants to say more but he knows that he can't, maybe never will. He waits a beat and then pulls Craig into the bed. They don't do anything, barely even kiss. John Paul just curls around Craig and holds him close, needs to know that they're both here and alive and _real_.

 

& & &

 

When he wakes, Craig is staring at him, fingers light on his face.

"I wanted to kill him," Craig says, slow and deliberate. "When you came home from Hollyoaks, I wanted to go, find him and kill him myself. He'd touched you, hurt you."

John Paul lets him talk, reaching up and curling his fingers into the hair at the nape of Craig's neck.

"Then you started to pull away from me," Craig says, pained. They don't talk about this, they don't talk about their feelings and wants _at all_ and John Paul knows what it's costing Craig to do it now. "I went to Scotland because I needed - I wanted to know-"

"If you could walk away?"

Craig startles and John Paul realises he's right. He feels it deep in his bones and it hurts like he never thought it could. "I-"

"It's okay," John Paul whispers. "I wouldn't have blamed you."

Craig falls silent. Neither of them quite knows what to do and it shows. John Paul has so many things he wants to say; _I wish I could go back_ and _I'm sorry_ and _I know how you feel_ but the words won't come. They're not okay, not right now but John Paul thinks they could be. Craig needs him and he needs Craig and they've always been the best at fixing each other. They've learned from experience; they've always been the best at hurting the other. John Paul strokes his fingers through Craig's hair and Craig looks at him like he's the only thing in the world.

John Paul presses forward, closes the small gap between them.

They kiss like they're trying to tell each other everything they've been trying to say, everything they can't. It tastes like home and safety and hope. It tastes like John Paul and Craig. It tastes a little bit like _mine_.


End file.
